I woke up Saturday morning at 7am in a different house, after only going to bed
at 5am.
I had went out the night before at the invitation of an old high school friend
that I hadn't seen in three years. I saw some old faces, some new ones.
We drank. We laughed. We lamented the passage of time, the people who weren't
there. We drank some more. We hugged. We went to a shitty bar. We went to
another shitty bar. We went to a bar that wasn't so bad. We got some pizza
because Alec hadn't eaten anytThe bass from the speakers vibrates the room and asks if I am more man than
machine. I resist the urge to archive the message, since my mentor told me to be
open to surreptitious spontaneity. But it's uncomfortable sitting in silence.
Or, what would be silence had the dollar store gizmo in the corner of the room
not creak like tv static. I begin to notice all the incongruities I usually fold
over by assigning myself another ticket at work. Nobody wants to admit they took
a wrong turn 5 miles agoMy parents thought I was crazy when I replaced all the lightbulbs with candles.
The candles are a fire-hazard, they said. The bulbs can last up to 10 years plus
warranty, but barely a day for a small candle.
I never thought I could live in a house designed by repressed dreams, but I have
learned that she makes for pleasant conversation over coffee. She said, you
don't have to change the walls and the floor yet. Start with the lights, since
they change how you view the rest of your life.
It staThere are some days where I feel like I'm not making progress. I feel like how I
did yesterday which is how I felt the day before which is like how I felt the
day before... Will now ever be enough? Heather Havrilesky has a book called
"What if this were Enough?" Despite never reading it, I ask myself that question
all the time. What if right now where all I would ever have? I wouldn't be too
upset. My sources of food, shelter, and income are all reliable. I know tons of
pleasant people who enjoyBelieve me, I care about you. I want to be there with you through it all.
Believe me when I say that I love you
Believe me, I am here now, even though I was in the jungle for two months
without internet signal and fighting for my own survival.
Believe me when I say that I'm okay now. It's just that sometimes I'm a broken
DVD player and you don't even know what a DVD is. Sometimes I'm a spilled bottle
of pills you are scared of taking. But I'm fixed now. The DVDs are playing the
movie. I put tsits in the classroom.
beams from the windows
reflect the warm Memory.
closes eyes.
the laughs, the Uncertainty, the Joy,
watches it all unfold
with tender
soft
attention
as they blossom
opens once more.
same laughs, same uncertainty,
the joy is there, too,
but the faces
the words
the offset textures of their petals
inform the slant difference
they evolve
as yet — still —
sits in the classroom.I stand in front of the door, the mirror. In my hand I hold a key, a lamp, a
lottery ticket. Choose one wish. What do you want? What do you desire? What is
it that is missing? What is the shape of the hole?
But first I must know what is I. I am eclectic mix. I contain wild tangents,
cast-away seeds that grew before I realized it. No one branch belongs to any
school of thought. I merely take what I like and leave the rest to the
followers. Never have I applied for residency, since I always knew 
